Not sure how to feel about it
Jul. 30th, 2009 10:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prophet_marcusWarning - long and probably will involve whining and maybe TMI about my personal life.
The other day, Trish came by to pick up some of her furniture and some stuff Amanda is giving her to help her set up in her new apartment. Of course, I probably never mentioned that after five or so years, Trish has left her partner. Seems the lady was just too dominating and Trish has decided to take control of her own life. About time. She's working, going to school and now has hewr own place.
She also has a new boyfriend.
Okay, I've suspected for quite a while that she's actually bisexual, not a lesbian. I can't say this was any sort of surprise. However, it does force me to look at one thing I've avoided for ages. She did not leave me because she doesn't want to be with a man. Mind you, this is once again something I've considered likely for along time. In fact, while I haven't discussed this with anyone, especially the kids, I've long been convinced that her actual reason for leaving was that she was tired of the life she was living and wanted something different, something better, something with fewer pressures and expectations and demands on her. (She didn't find it, mind you. Her life has been such an ongoing series of crises and trainwrecks that Amanda has hated to talk to her on the phone since it's always turned into a litany of the latest disasters.)
Anyway, there it is. She has a new man in her life. Therefor, she probably didn't leave to pursue her true life but rather to get away from me, or us, or our life. Honestly, in the long run it has worked out better for the kids and me. It took me a matter of months to put the family finances into order. Putting the kids back together took longer and there's still scars however they might like to pretend. Well all except Amanda who rarely holds in her feelings. However, the ongoing slow motion low-grade disaster finally resolved and they could move on to life.
I worry how they will react if and when they eventually work this all out for themselves. They are intelligent and sophisticated in ways I surely wasn't at their ages. There's a good chance they'll put two and two together and realize that mom wasn't running to something, but away. While in the final analysis, it was herself she was trying to run from, that isn't how it's likely to look and will almost definitely feel like she ran away from us!
It's hard enough for me to grasp the difference and I have so much more life experience as well as having known Trish since she was ten. It doesn't feel like it to me. It feels like maybe I did something wrong or just wasn't good enough. My brain knows it was all about her, but my feelings aren't convinced. I know this is just Trish being Trish, but either I screwed up or she simply outright betrayed us! Try keeping some level of family peace with that simmering in the background.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. It actually helped me see some things more clearly. Of course, these things are potential problems, but now maybe I won't be ambushed by them.
The other day, Trish came by to pick up some of her furniture and some stuff Amanda is giving her to help her set up in her new apartment. Of course, I probably never mentioned that after five or so years, Trish has left her partner. Seems the lady was just too dominating and Trish has decided to take control of her own life. About time. She's working, going to school and now has hewr own place.
She also has a new boyfriend.
Okay, I've suspected for quite a while that she's actually bisexual, not a lesbian. I can't say this was any sort of surprise. However, it does force me to look at one thing I've avoided for ages. She did not leave me because she doesn't want to be with a man. Mind you, this is once again something I've considered likely for along time. In fact, while I haven't discussed this with anyone, especially the kids, I've long been convinced that her actual reason for leaving was that she was tired of the life she was living and wanted something different, something better, something with fewer pressures and expectations and demands on her. (She didn't find it, mind you. Her life has been such an ongoing series of crises and trainwrecks that Amanda has hated to talk to her on the phone since it's always turned into a litany of the latest disasters.)
Anyway, there it is. She has a new man in her life. Therefor, she probably didn't leave to pursue her true life but rather to get away from me, or us, or our life. Honestly, in the long run it has worked out better for the kids and me. It took me a matter of months to put the family finances into order. Putting the kids back together took longer and there's still scars however they might like to pretend. Well all except Amanda who rarely holds in her feelings. However, the ongoing slow motion low-grade disaster finally resolved and they could move on to life.
I worry how they will react if and when they eventually work this all out for themselves. They are intelligent and sophisticated in ways I surely wasn't at their ages. There's a good chance they'll put two and two together and realize that mom wasn't running to something, but away. While in the final analysis, it was herself she was trying to run from, that isn't how it's likely to look and will almost definitely feel like she ran away from us!
It's hard enough for me to grasp the difference and I have so much more life experience as well as having known Trish since she was ten. It doesn't feel like it to me. It feels like maybe I did something wrong or just wasn't good enough. My brain knows it was all about her, but my feelings aren't convinced. I know this is just Trish being Trish, but either I screwed up or she simply outright betrayed us! Try keeping some level of family peace with that simmering in the background.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. It actually helped me see some things more clearly. Of course, these things are potential problems, but now maybe I won't be ambushed by them.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 03:08 pm (UTC)I think they'll get it figured out and come to the same conclusions. It wasn't their fault.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 03:35 pm (UTC)If it helps... She may have also, even as bisexual, had a need to take a walk on that side. (I'm a member of a women's sexuality/health group; occasionally there's relationship stuff in there, such as , "I really want to find out what sex with a woman is like but my boyfriend isn't open to threesomes or poly and how do I make these two things work?" The answers tend to boil down to, "Some people can be monogamous despite being bisexual and some people need to experiment. What can you live with?")
*hugs you more* If you weren't pulling the crap my sire pulled, I'd say that you didn't "screw up." Maybe you two grew apart, didn't mesh, weren't perfect for each other, whatever. But my definition of "screwed up" is really unlikely to include you, y'know?
no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 07:15 pm (UTC)---Walter
no subject
Date: 2009-07-31 12:51 am (UTC)Yeah, I definitely had my shortcomings as a husband, but I really don't think I was that bad. Hell, Trish has been telling me that all along. But saying "it was my fault" and actually accepting responsibility, including doing something about it, are two very different things. Took me a while to learn that. In my book it separates physical adults from actually mature people.